Honestly, it’s so hard to keep a completely Christian life. Slowly life has been chipping away at my faith and it’s so hard trying to stay solid. When I pray, it isn’t like I used to. It was passionate and had meaning; now it’s lifeless and just for the sake of it. Scripture feels like it doesn’t have an importance, even though there are verses that apply directly to some of my problems.
I guess it’s not so much my own problems but it’s how I interact with people. Why is it, that people I want to be with, push me away and people I don’t feel comfortable opening up with try to get closer? I’ve already given the chances to people who wanted to get closer. Slowly they too become people who push me away. It’s probably because I hide almost all of my real self to protect myself from judgement. And according to the Bible, you should fill that void with God. Also that He can’t immediately answer your prayers; you have to be patient.
But I’ve legitimately run out of patience; so tired, so lifeless, so rejected. Now I wait for no one but myself. I’m so tired of this shit. People taking me for granted. And especially fuck those of you with your stuck-up attitudes. For two years I was afraid to open up, keeping to myself, not going to school, staying at home. Then as I started to feel more comfortable and open, I tried to reach out. That was the advice I got from those who at first wanted to get ‘close’ with me. So I decided what the heck, why not? Shit can’t really get worse from here. But that cry for help was ignored and thought of as unimportant.
Seriously how fucked up and ignorant is our society that people treat others like crap and not think of the consequences. The funny thing is, most of the time, they don’t even know that they’re doing it. Are we that stupid and insensitive? I’m tried of this crap. My parents aren’t even there for me, they do the bare minimum as is required by law. I don’t even have good role models at my school. All the senior guys are a joke, and so condescending. So fucking ignorant. There’s only one who I look up to. He might not be the best role model but he sympathizes with you and understands you. Without him I’d seriously frigging go back to the way I was.
It might not make sense but actually I’m worse than I was last year… and the year before that. Sure, I might have a job, go to school, get straight A’s, keep up with friends, have better relations with my parents… So basically according to society I’m doing really well, but if I have to be unhappy every day to do so, then I don’t wanna be successful.
For the things I have, I’m extremely grateful for. How lucky am I to have all these luxuries? But I’d trade it all in to be able to be who I am and be accepted for it. We are who we are, screw ideals and expectations. And to those who judge me or even ANYONE else, first take a look at your own life. Do you seriously have nothing better to do than treat others like trash and treat them according to how you feel? Even if you’re having a shitty day, don’t make others feel like crap cuz you did something bad happened to you. You don’t even have the right.
You can bitch to life when you have actual problems. But some of you swear and get pissed about things that won’t even matter in 10 years. I wonder then what you guys would do if an actual shitstorm comes your way.
Lastly, treat relationships as a sacred thing. No one should have the right to tell you what to do. Advice can only be useful if the person receiving it wants to accept it. Some relationships can actually be for the right reasons. But lately I’ve been seeing so many meaningless and pointless relationships. When you’re going out with someone, that person should be the only one on your mind. Don’t act like somebody else around him/her and be a different person elsewhere. Be honest and open without having to hide anything. Don’t be a burden to them; you’re only going to break their heart. Seriously some people don’t appreciate what they have and always look for something that could be better. Just wait ‘til life hits you hard, it’s gonna hurt.
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